“The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside of
marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of
union (the sexual) from all other kinds of union which were intended to go
along with it and make up the total union (of marriage).”
-C.S. Lewis
A Story:
Last year, I read a book by a very well known pastor. This young pastor
started off with a church, the size of which could fit in somebody’s house and
now the church has several thousand members. The book was a description
of how the church progressed throughout the course of gaining several thousand
members over several years’ time.
In one of the chapters he was bemoaning the immaturity of some of the church’s
early followers, and he recalled one story in particular. It is a story
that has stuck with me over the years. In fact, it’s really the only part
of the book that I recall in any amount of detail. The story goes like
this:
One evening, a few years into his church plant, this pastor received a phone
call in the middle of the night. It was one of the men from his church
and he was distraught and crying over the phone. The pastor clearly was
alarmed. For what could cause a grown man to call him in the middle of the
night sobbing? As the pastor inquired further about what was going on,
the man blurted out, “I watched some pornography and I touched myself.”
The pastor was taken aback a bit, mainly because he felt this was a discussion
that could’ve at least waited until the morning. I mean, why wake him in
the night for something like this? However, the weeping man was
adamant…he wanted to get over this habit, this addiction, and asked the pastor
what he could do to get over it.
The pastor responded by telling him something along these lines (I am
paraphrasing), “Grow up, get a job so you can get a girlfriend so you can marry
her…then you won’t have to worry about your little problem anymore because she
will touch you, and you won’t have to.
An Aggravation:
Now, I must admit that whenever I first read the pastor’s response I chuckled a
bit in admiration of his crassness. However, as time has gone on the
story has stuck with me and over time it has left a bitter taste in my mouth.
I used to think that this was great advice. However, I have come to
believe that there is tremendous harm in looking at life: at dating, at work,
at marriage, and at sex in this way. Why?
First and foremost, it makes women (and men for that matter, if the shoe is on
the other foot) out to be merely sexual objects, as if the only reason for
working, for dating, and for marriage is sex.
Furthermore, the guy’s problem isn’t that he doesn’t have a wife or a
girlfriend…the guy’s problem is lust, which is a problem that will not resolve
itself even if he were to find a girlfriend or a wife. In other words,
merely finding a wife (or to put it more crassly, merely “getting laid” ) will
not resolve his lust issue. It will still be there when the deed is done and,
like a wild beast, will work up its appetite yet again.
I must be honest with you up front, I am writing this article because I am in
the middle of teaching on this subject at my church. However, what is
really driving me is…I must admit…anger. This is something that I know
that I need to deal with a bit more within myself but I am growing so
incredibly weary of watching all of the people around me; my friends and my
family, throw their bodies around like they don’t matter, like there is nothing
sacred to their sexuality, like they are just pieces of meat for consumption,
like they are nothing more than objects to be fondled. Furthermore, I
grow tired of everyone around me acting as though they have absolutely no
control over themselves, over their lusts, over their sexuality.
I chose the story at the beginning to portray a very common attitude amongst
people today. Now, I can only speak from a male’s perspective. I am not going to pretend for a second that I can speak from the
perspective of a woman. However, I will venture to guess that there is a
lot of cross over; that there is a great amount of commonality in what is being
addressed here; that this isn’t just a “guy thing.” Again, the opening
story portrays several modes of current thinking in our culture today: that we need to find jobs so that we can fulfill (eventually) our sexual
appetites, and that we need to date and marry to fulfill (eventually) our
sexual appetites.
In this article, I am going to argue that life is not all about sex. Your
job is not about sex, dating is not about sex, and marriage is not about sex
(at least not all about sex). While sex is truly great, it is not the
summation of everything about you. You are not a sexual object.
You’re humanity is composed of so much more than simply your sexual
orientation, action and reaction. Furthermore, you have a personhood that lust and
premature sexual action will strip you of if you are not careful.
I also want to observe this: it is possible that one of the reasons it has
become so tremendously hard for people to be single nowadays is that the church
has overly idolized marriage and undervalued singleness when, in fact, the
apostle Paul explicitly says that single life is better than married
life (as does Jesus). Now, we will begin to examine why this is the case.
First, a Necessary Detour:
We are going to
briefly look at a few passages from 1 Corinthians 7. However, before we
dive into why singleness is better than marriage in Paul’s eyes, we need to
look at a passage that is often misconstrued, 1 Corinthians 7:1-9;
“7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a
man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual
immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own
wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill
his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The
wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In
the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields
it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual
consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come
together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of
self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I
wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God;
one has this gift, another has that. 8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for
them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves,
they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
There are a few common mistakes people often make when coming to this passage
for guidance and one of these mistakes, I fear, has shaped the worldview of
many people. Initially, however, I want you to note that the quotation in
verse 7 is Paul quoting the Corinthians. He is not quoting himself here.
He is not the one saying, “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations
with a woman.” No, he is referring to a matter that the Corinthians wrote
Paul about, in which they apparently say that it is good for people not to have
sex…that abstinence is a good thing.
Notice how Paul doesn’t disagree with them, though. He affirms it but
adds a “but.” “But, since sexual immorality is occurring,” each person
should have sexual relations with their own spouse. It is almost as if
the Corinthians are so repulsed by sex that they want all of the Christians to
do away with it all together, even amongst married couples. But, Paul
redirects them to think about it in a different way. That, yes, it is
good for people to abstain from sex. However sex is manageable and good
within marital relationships.
I, now, want to draw your attention to the fact that Paul does not even
acknowledge sex outside of marriage. It’s not that he forgot about it, or
that he didn’t know what sex outside of marriage was…no, sex outside of
marriage was not a legitimate practice in the mind of the Apostle.
Furthermore, it is not because Paul has a low view of sex, or that he sees it
as evil. No, it is because he has a very high view of sex and its
consequences that he speaks the way that he does.
He rightfully understands that sex “yields” you, as he says in verses 4 and
5. The husband does not have authority over his own body but he yields
it to his wife. Likewise, the wife does not have authority over her own
body but yields it to her husband. I will say it again: sex yields you.
I can only imagine that, in Paul’s mind, to yield ourselves to a stranger; to
yield ourselves to someone we barely know; to yield ourselves to someone in
which we are not sure whether or not they will manipulate us in our
yielded-ness; to yield ourselves to someone who has made no commitment to us
for the long haul...these would’ve been simply outrageous thoughts to him. It should be
outrageous to us as well.
Where we want to look at sex and say, “it’s just sex” (even though we don’t
truly believe that deep down), Paul is telling us that sex demands so much more
of us…that it is attached to something much bigger, much grander, that to
detach sex from it’s proper context is to willingly make yourself a slave to
not only your lust, but to the lust of another person.
That, the yielding of sex only fits within the dynamic of a relationship of two
people who have already committed to and who truly are yielding themselves one
to another. A good word for that is marriage. To seek sexual
relations with someone no matter how much you love them prior to marriage is
to make them a slave…it seeks only to yield a part of oneself to them, and not
the whole. The problem with sex is that it is all or nothing. It is
so consummate that it cannot belong to or adequately be controlled by those
who only share partial commitment to one another.
Now, the Misunderstood Worldview-Warping Misinterpretation:
“8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good
for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control
themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with
passion.”
Here is the major problem that damages so many people: there is a tendency to
want to project what Paul is saying here onto single people who have never been
married. This is an utter mistake.
First off, Paul addresses people who have never been married later on in the
chapter. So, it is clear from the context that the “unmarried” people he
is referring to here is widowed men. There wasn’t a word for them back
then, so he simply calls them “unmarried” and groups them together with
widows. So, Paul is addressing the unmarried (widowed men) and widows
(widowed women) in this passage, not all singles in general.
The problem arises, as it surfaced in the story that I told at the beginning of
this article, around the idea that single people need to marry simply because
they are “burning with passion.” This is what happens whenever we say
that Paul is referring to all singles, here. This line of thinking has
horrible consequences on those who submit themselves to it.
We must see the verse in its proper context: Paul is talking to people who once were married but now are not because their spouses have died. As married
people they would’ve most likely had sex on a regular basis with their spouses
and now that their spouses are gone, that sexual gratification and yielding is
now gone to. There more missing from their lives now than just the deceased spouse. A habit is now missing. There
is nothing there to replace that gap in their lives now. In this passage,
Paul is telling them that it is best to remain unmarried as he is (he was
widowed). However, if they find it too difficult to discipline
themselves, to overcome the urges that were naturally there and practiced for
so many years, then it is good for them to remarry. Basically, if they
miss what once was provided for them in marriage, they should remarry.
Since they have already experienced it, the beauty of sex and union with
someone, as Paul acknowledges, it is doubly hard for them to go back to single
life and he encourages them to remarry if they desire to do so.
He is not, again, speaking to younger people or single people who have never
married. He is NOT telling all single people that it is good to marry
simply because they are horny and because they are
finding it too difficult to control themselves. There are so many people
who have rushed into marriage, who have justified getting married simply
because they cannot find ways to control their lusts for one another. The
results of such actions, such foolish thinking, can be utterly
disastrous. It is to base a marriage purely on sex, and not on true
love. It is to base a marriage purely on the physical, while utterly
disregarding the spiritual.
I have even heard pastors advise young couples who cannot keep their hands off
of each other to marry as quickly as possible so that they will “no longer be
sinning.” Here’s the main problem with that mentality: It is
foolish to think that simply getting married will solve any of their problems,
as if getting married is the solution. The problem with this view is that
it seeks to fix an interior problem (lust, the wrath of God, selfishness) with
an exterior “fix” and, in the process, turns marriage into a purely physical thing.
It neglects to understand that the man who has no respect for the boundaries of
marriage will not automatically have respect for those boundaries simply
because he is now married. A man who cannot control his hornyness and
lust before marriage is not going to be able to do so simply because he is now
married. In fact, it may entice him further.
Now, To Singles:
To sum up what we’ve said so far: Paul agrees with Corinthians that it is
good for people not to have sex, but it is not good for everyone to outlaw sex
altogether. Husbands and wives should have sexual relations on a regular
basis. Furthermore, we noted that Paul was not talking about all single
people marrying just because they are burning with passion, but he was solely
talking to people whose spouses have died and are having difficulty overcoming
the sexual habits developed by previous marital habits.
Now, we move onto what Paul says to single people who have never married before
in 1 Corinthians 7:25-40:
“25 Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but
I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. 26 Because
of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is.
27 Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free
from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. 28 But if you do marry,
you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who
marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. 29 What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is
short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not;
30 those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they
were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep;
31 those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For
this world in its present form is passing away. 32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried
man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs —how he can please the Lord.
33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he
can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman
or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to
the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the
affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this
for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in
undivided devotion to the Lord. 36 If anyone is worried that he might not be acting
honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too
strong and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not
sinning. They should get married. 37 But the man who has settled the
matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own
will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does
the right thing. 38 So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he
who does not marry her does better. 39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But
if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong
to the Lord. 40 In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and
I think that I too have the Spirit of God.”
Although this is a very lengthy passage, I want to draw your attention to a few
key points.
a) The first of which is found in
verse 26. Paul speaks of a “present crises,” that seems to alter normal
marital rules and single living quite a bit. We aren’t entirely sure what
crises he is speaking of. However, it is well known that, during the time
that Paul wrote this, his first letter to the Corinthians, there was a severe
drought that had major effects on the Roman empire, particularly the areas
around Corinth. Now, if this is the crises that Paul is speaking of,
abstaining from marriage would be a good idea. Why be responsible for
more mouths to feed if you can barely feed your own? However, he does not
condemn marriage…it simply seems as though he is advising people to proceed
with caution if they do choose to marry.
b) In several instances Paul
actually says that it is easier to be single, and to remain single, because it
will be less burdensome to the person. “But those who marry will face
many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this,” he says.
However, always note that it is not sinful to marry in Paul’s eyes. He is
just giving general advice, not specific commands or set doctrine. We
need to be aware of the fact, though, that he is asking all single people who
read his words to at least consider a life of permanent singleness. He
does this not just to spare people of the many concerns that come with
marriage, but to also…
c) …show them that single people
can devote themselves entirely to the Lord’s work, since they are free from the
concerns of marriage and family life. Again, read this part of the
passage over again:
“32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried
man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs —how he can please the Lord.
33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can
please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or
virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the
Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the
affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this
for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in
undivided devotion to the Lord.”
d) The last observation: perhaps
this is the most critical…Paul definitely thinks that lust and sexual desires
can and should be mastered by single people. Just note that it is
possible in Paul’s mind. It is not impossible to be a single person who
utterly and fully abstains from sex. In fact, it now seems so natural to
Paul that he “wishes that all could be as he is,” completely satisfied in his
sexless singleness. Again, this is perhaps the most important lesson
that we need to learn, and we need to learn it : It is possible to be
single, happy and celibate, not just for a short duration, but for all of life.
It is not a restriction, its not a command; its simply a suggestion to
contemplate. His ultimate desire is for peoples’ focus in this life to be
undivided…to be solely focused on the Lord and His will. Marital life, by
necessity, will oftentimes detract from that. Again, Paul is not
condemning marriage by any stretch of the imagination. Nor does he have
a low view of marriage. For Paul to say what he has said in 7:32-35 and
still say it is ok to marry means that he is upping the bar of what marriage
actually is. If marriage, in and of itself, can sidetrack one’s focus on
the Lord…how much more important is it to find a spouse who maintains the same
God-ward focus that you do? This is where Paul’s theology of “yielding”
comes back into play. If you are going to yield yourself to someone
sexually, how much more necessary is it to do so with someone who has a resound
commitment to keep the God-ward focus in the center of the relationship?
How much more necessary is it to not just throw your body around like a sexual
object? How much more necessary is it to find a spouse with a similar
resolve, someone who will acknowledge that marriage isn’t just about self-centered desires and wants but about the will of God?
If marriage itself can be a stumbling block to devotion to the Lord, it is of
utmost importance to find someone who is committed to the long-haul, who is
committed not just to their own edification, but to yours as well. If you
are going to yield your body over to someone, it is extremely important to do
so with someone who understands the gravity of the act of sex, with someone who
already has made a selfless commitment to you (marriage), or else you might
find your life and your spirituality destroyed in the process.
Hear what Paul is saying: finding a companion in this life is not just some
little matter…it can potentially destroy you and distract you from the things
that truly count. Don’t enter into it lightly, if you do so at all. If you are going to marry, make sure you
understand the battle before you and choose a spouse with care. For,
taking sex and marriage lightly is utterly disastrous because it will require
more than you might be willing to give if you haven’t given it considerable
thought.
Heed the words of one of Solomon’s proverbs:
“It is better to live on a corner of a roof than share a house
with a divisive spouse”
-Proverbs 25:24 (paraphrased)
Or, a proverb about premarital or extra-marital sex:
“Can a man (or woman) scoop fire into his/her lap without their
clothes being burned? Can they walk on hot coals without burning their
feet? So is he/she that sleeps with another person’s spouse.”
-Proverbs 6:27-29
Moral of the story: if she is not your wife; if he is not your husband, you
will not be able to sleep with them without burning yourself in the process in
some way, shape or form.
Furthermore, if you aren’t careful in selecting who you marry, one day you will
wish there is a corner of your home where you can live forever apart from your spouse…it
will be more desirous to live outside in the elements than inside with your
divisive spouse.
In Conclusion:
I have not taken any
time in this article to talk about how to master our passions and lusts, about
how we can subdue the “hornyness.” I will save that for another
time. The priority in this article is given, briefly, to Paul’s thoughts
on sex, marriage and singleness.
Even though it almost
offends our senses and our doctrines, we can see why Paul urged people to
consider the single life and a life of utter abstinence from sex. Sex is
not just sex (as we all know deep down) and marriage is not just marriage (as
unfortunately most people don’t seem to know deep down). They are not to
be taken lightly.
Lastly, to the single people out there, there is never an excuse for premarital
sex. To simply claim, “we are in love, so its ok,” and to seek sexual
union with someone who is not your spouse is one of the most selfish and unloving
things you could possibly do.
To engage in sexual activity with someone prior to marriage is utterly
irresponsible because it seeks to acquire only a part of a person and not the
whole. Most importantly, it seeks only to give away only a piece of
yourself to the other, and not the whole. Again, sex cannot be contained
in such a way…it will yield you…it will always yield you.
For now, I leave you with the quote from C.S. Lewis that I
quoted in the beginning:
“The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that
those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual)
from all other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make
up the total union (of marriage).”
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