Christian Sexuality: Being True to Yourself

First Written: May 23, 2012 at 3:35pm

"Since God made us male and female in his image,

we respect each other as equals,
not flaunting or exploiting our sexuality.
While our roles and capacities may differ,
we are careful not to confine God’s gifts and calling
to the shape of our cultural patterns or expectations.
Sexuality is disordered in our fallen world—
brokenness, abuse, pornography, and loneliness are the result—
but Christ's renewing work gives hope
for order and healing
and surrounds suffering persons
with compassionate community."

-Our World Belongs to God, CRC Confession

Do you remember the very first job you ever had?  I am not talking about simply earning an allowance from your parents, but your first legit job.  The first, I suppose, official job that I had was at a glass company.  Any of you who have known me over the last several years know that I worked as a Glassman for a fairly long time, almost a decade. 

            I remember the feeling, though, of getting that first job while I was in High School.  I felt so hardcore!  While most of my friends were flipping burgers, (not that there is anything wrong with that!), I was installing windshields in cars, cutting plate glass for table tops, and installing windows in peoples’ houses.  I felt very “grown up.” 

            However, the glass business can be very challenging and quite dangerous a good amount of the time.  I never knew when something could go wrong, and you don’t want to know how many times I ended up in the E.R. to get stitched up.  Although I loved the job, the truth of the matter is that it really was quite dangerous.  Whenever you are working with glass on a daily basis, the odds are stacked against you of living a scar-free life.  Now, this may sound a bit cheesy, but it really is the truth…it was during this period in my life that I learned to revere things that could harm me.  One false slip, one shattered window, could’ve altered my life permanently and I saw it do just that to a few of my co-workers over the years. 

            There is nothing dangerous about glass in and of itself but in the handling of it.  In other words, like so many things, it can cause you no physical harm until you come into contact with it.  It is one of those things that, unless you learn very quickly and precisely how to handle it with care, you will most likely end up hurt from it in the end. 

            I see sex in precisely this light.  I think the Scriptures frame sexuality in this light as well.   That, although sex is a very good thing and not harmful in and of itself, we can bring tremendous harm upon ourselves by the way we handle it.  If we don’t respect it, even revere it for what it is, we can end up very deeply cut to the point where we will carry the scars with us for the rest of our lives.  Sex is a good thing, a great thing, a wonderful thing and as such it needs to be handled all the more cautiously. 

Why Being True to Yourself Isn’t Always the Best Course of Action:

            We live in a culture that shuns restraint for the most part.  We are a people whose slogan is “just be true to yourself” and we get aggravated whenever we feel as though there are people out there who wish to “cramp our style”.  People who are even viewed as teaching restraint and moderation are often seen as bad people and narrow minded.  We like to provide our own definitions for ourselves, and whenever somebody else comes in and says that as a people we ought to be defined by something different, those people are very often labeled as bullies and judgmental.  Unfortunately, this is often the case both in society and Christianity…people are bullying and judgmental.  Such actions are never justified and never should be. 

            However, there is a massive difference between being a bully and legitimately believing that we need to be cautious whenever it comes to going down certain paths, and furthermore, caring enough about others to speak up about it.  This is something that the Church as a whole in our society and those most peeved off with it right now both need to realize and come to terms with.  The Church needs to realize that it is not here to judge and push people around but to serve and love in the ways that Jesus serves and loves.  On the other hand, those who stand opposed to the Church need to realize that by loving and serving people, this should not automatically lead to some sort of spineless acceptance of every whim that comes and goes, and a church that fails to speak out about sex (amongst other things) and its misuse has failed in her commission to truly love the world around them.  The Church should speak out about such things because it is commissioned to love and because such things are important…massively important. 

            Suffice it to say that following every whim and urge is not beneficial for us in the long run.  In other words, we need to examine why just following what feels good to us in the moment is so devastating to not only ourselves, but to those around us as well.  Furthermore, we need to examine how, if we are naturally inclined to follow every whim and desire, we can combat such things properly and frame them in their proper light. 

 Philippians 3 and 4:

            For this, we turn to what Paul has written to the Philippian church.  Paul not only addresses why simply following your “gut” desire leads to something harmful, but he also teaches us how to frame these things in their proper light. 

            Before we begin, however, we need to address a few key points that I wish I had more time to elaborate on:

1)      The Scriptures do not teach that either emotions or the physical body are evil things.  They are good things...very-good things that we tend to do horrible things with.  It’s not the emotions or the body that is messed up, but how we use our emotions and our bodies…or rather misuse them. 

2)      While we are accustomed nowadays to leading with our hearts (our feelings, emotions..etc), the Scriptures compel us to lead ourselves essentially with our minds.  We are to be “transformed by the renewing of our minds” as the apostle Paul says and the other apostles directly imply.  In fact, according to them, there are many things that we ought to do in this life that do not come naturally to us and that don’t always feel good.  A prime example of this is forgiveness.  Forgiveness is not something that comes readily or easily for us.  However, forgiving others (and ourselves) is one of our chief responses to God’s saving work in our lives.  It is not an option for anyone who seriously considers themselves to be followers of Jesus of Nazareth. 

            Now, we turn our attention to a few things that Paul speaks of to the Philippian church in chapter 3 that we should find tremendously helpful with all that we have observed so far.  As usual, I am not going to expound upon the whole chapter, but will pull out a few key insights that are given.  With that said, let’s begin in verse 18:

            “18 For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things.”

            Paul at this point in the chapter is taking the time to contrast the differing motives between those who follow our Lord Jesus and those who don’t.  Hear this, though…in tears, he tells the Philippians that many live as enemies to who Jesus is and what He has accomplished.  He is not judgmental, angry, frustrated, but broken over this fact.  It burdens him to the point of tears that there are many out there who stand themselves against the God who has revealed Himself through the loving face of Jesus Christ. 

There are a few key observations that he makes about them:

            Their destiny is destruction (a destruction they have chosen)

            Their god is their stomach (a god they have made)

            Their glory is in their shame (they have a false sense of glory)

            Their minds are on earthly things

 

            I don’t want to spend time elaborating on what Paul means by saying that their destiny is destruction and that their glory is their shame.  Instead, I want ask what Paul means when he says that their god is their own stomach. 

            There is much that can be said in this regard, and I am by no means an expert on the ancient Greco-Roman view of anthropology.  However, I can tell you that much of the early church, particularly in the Eastern tradition, viewed the primary arouser of all sin to be rooted in the ways of the stomach.  Not that the stomach was evil, but the early church often viewed the mother of all sins to be gluttony; that all sin began with gluttony and branched out from there.  For them, all sin began with our attempt at self gratification and self pleasure that finds its source in gluttonous desire however it were to manifest itself. 

            Not saying that this is right or wrong, even though I do believe to be more of the former than the latter; I just want to draw our attention to the fact that Paul describes those who set themselves against Christ to be under the lordship of their own consuming desires.  They are not free by any stretch of the imagination.  Their own drive to consume is the lord of them, and although they may believe themselves to be free, they are actually bitterly enslaved not by some external tyrant, but by some internal black hole of a force.  Their so called glory is misperceived.  What they glory in is destroying them. They will eventually collapse in on themselves.  Their destiny is destruction. 

            Why?  Because they have set their minds on earthly things, as Paul says.  It's not that the physical realm is evil in and of itself, but that they are seeking eternal gratification in finite things. It’s not so much that they don’t have faith.  Rather, they have placed their faith in finite things and they haven’t allowed the reality of Jesus of Nazareth’s accomplished work to penetrate their existence.    As we observed in a previous study, they are a people who have decided for themselves that it is better to try to fend for themselves than to entrust themselves to the loving care of God Almighty.  More on the “mind” stuff in a bit.

Rejoice!  Rejoice!:  

            Immediately after this passage Paul tells the Philippians how they are to live, then.  They aren’t to be like those who are enemies of the cross…but they are to be different. 

            Now, we are going to draw our attention to chapter 4, verses 4-9. 

            “4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness (composure) be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

           There is plenty that Paul says here.  Even though Paul is not directly speaking of sexual immorality in this passage, or even in the former one, there is much that we can pull from him in our attempts to combat temptation and to, furthermore, live fully joyful and fruitful lives in the Lord. 

            Paul begins the section by encouraging his readers to rejoice.  In fact, the Greek is closer to “have extreme joy!”  What he says in the next few verses is nothing less than astounding.  In verse 5, he tells his readers to let their “gentleness” be evident to all because God is near.  The word for “gentleness” is more like “keep composed,” or “keep yourselves moderate.”  It is a gentleness under fire, so to speak.  He is saying, “while you are being tried, tempted and persecuted, stand your ground and keep your composure.” 

            At the end of verse 5, he reminds them that God is “near” to them.  Many people have interpreted this as “God is coming soon.”  That is entirely inaccurate, I am afraid.  No, he is not saying that God is coming soon but that God has already shown up and that He remains close to them.  They are to rejoice and be composed because God is near. 

            Furthermore, he implores them to refrain from being anxious about anything but rather to, in every situation, pray to God.  In other words, anxiety in any and every situation can and should be combated through prayer.  One of the interesting things to note is that the Greek word for “anxious” is μεριμνάω…which it’s root word literally means “to divide.”  In other words, Paul is speaking of anxiety as something that divides us, something that cuts us to pieces, something that keeps us from being “whole.”  By prayer, says Paul, we can prevent anxiety from having its way with us.  It is through prayer, and only through prayer, he says, that the peace of God will come to guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus, which is important whenever we are setting out to battle any temptation.

            Now, I wrote quite a lot about prayer as the means to combat temptation in a previous article, and I bring it up again because Paul does so and because it simply is that important.  Do you feel as though you are lacking the peace of God in your heart, in your mind?  There is only one solution…Prayer.  Are you anxious and uneasy, divided on the inside?  Again, one solution…Prayer.  Notice what takes place next in Paul’s letter to the Philippian church plant.  He tells them how they ought to think and what they ought to dwell upon. 

            In verses 4:8-9, as quoted above, he lists off several things, several characteristics of things that we ought to set our minds to.  “If anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things,” he says. 

            Please notice what is taking place here, which I find to be truly astounding:  In the last passage, Paul told his readers how to deal with heart issues, anxiety issues.  Now, he is telling us how to deal with mental issues, rational issues.  Paul has in view the redemption of the entire body, and not just fragments of it.  May the heart be redeemed, may the mind be renewed…

            It is in this passage, however, that I want to take particular care.  For, what Paul suggests here is not, I fear, common practice for most Christians today.  As I said earlier on, we live in a predominantly emotion led culture, and the Church has reflected the culture in this way in so many ways.  There are not many preachers nowadays telling their congregations that they need to be disciplined in their minds, in the ways in which they think.  Sure, you’ll hear plenty about lifestyle choices and morality and immorality (not that this is not important).  However, you don’t here much on the root of those moral and lifestyle choices…which finds its origin in the mind. 

            Whenever we navigate back to the topic of sexuality, lust, desire, and temptation, we are coming into almost uncharted territory whenever we begin speaking about remaining disciplined in mind nowadays.  Even though mental discipline was a common topic in the Church for hundreds of years, it seems to go largely ignored or is viewed as unnecessary and irrelevant today.  Truth be told, after being a Protestant for a little over 11 years now, I can honestly tell you that I have never heard one sermon, not one, on being mentally disciplined.  I’ve only been told about what I need to do and in terms of thinking, I’ve only been told what I am supposed to believe.  I have never been told about what I should dwell upon, what I should think about consistently and how I am to discipline my mind.   

            For Paul and the other New Testament writers, though, the mind had a critical role to play in the life and the sanctification of the believer.  It wasn’t just the hub of the person that was there simply to gather intellectual knowledge for the sake of pondering and memorizing “doctrine,” but rather it was the instrument used to lead the entirety of the self to get it to the place where it was seeking to go.  What we think about and what we spend the majority of our time reflecting on greatly affects and influences our daily actions.  The person preoccupied with thoughts of hopelessness and depression most likely are not the most jolly people you have met so far, right?  If you want to be a happier person, don’t sit around thinking about stuff that depresses you all of the time.  The person who is always angry in his thoughts towards others and spends large amounts of time judging people’s actions and appearances most likely isn’t the kindest person you’ve ever met, either.    

            Paul knew that there is great power in the mind and how we use it.  And, as Christ followers, we are not to have our minds set on earthly things as he mentioned in chapter 3, but to put our minds on heavenly things, things that are from God, things like truth, nobility, righteousness, purity, loveliness, and excellency.  The person of God should not be preoccupied with thinking about things that are depressing, lustful, harmful, angry…etc.  We should think and dwell quite obsessively on "excellent" things. For, where you set your mind you set the root of your actions.

The Great Experiment: 

            We can’t downplay the importance of mental discipline whenever it comes to issues of sexuality since the mind is really where the sexual battle begins.  For example, I once had a student come up to me to tell me how preoccupied with sex he was, and how that led to his pornography addiction.  He said that sex was always on his mind and that it seemed to “own” him.  “That’s your problem,” I told him, “You think about it too much.”  And, I wasn’t joking.  That is the problem, not the symptom. We have the tendency today to think that sexual temptation is just a bodily thing. It is, but I truly believe that it begins in the mind. That's the origin.

            Now, I once was teenage boy with hormones raging…it’s not much different than being a 27 year old man with hormones raging…but I don’t want to belittle what it means to be a teenager nowadays.  There is a lot of sexual temptation out there.  However, I also remember being a teenage boy who was tired of feeling enslaved by sexual temptation and decided to do something about it. 

            Simply put, around the age of 17, I began to realize that, the more that I thought about sex, the more enticed I was by the thought of it.  The more I thought about it, the more difficult it was to overcome the temptations that I faced.  Then came the idea…what if I just refused to let myself think about it?  Refused to allow myself to daydream about anything sexual?  I am not going to say that it came easily, or that I never goofed up.  However, I can tell you, and can still tell you today, that if you refuse to dwell on sex the less you will be enticed and tempted by whatever sexual temptations you face.  This may sound like a bit of a no-brainer.  However, I am always amazed by how few people actually think about this.  If you refuse to allow the thought to take root by placing your mind on other things as a way to combat sexual thoughts, by thinking of true, pure, noble, admirable things, you’d be surprised how easy it eventually becomes to keep your thoughts directed towards God and your body away from sexual temptation.  The simple matter of the fact is that, the less you think about it, the less tempted you will be.  The simple matter of the fact is, the battle begins in the mind, not the body.  Lead with your mind and your body will follow.  Lead with your body, your stomach, and you will end up only anxious and divided and, worst of all, enslaved to your own consumeristic tendencies. Your gluttonous desires will be your god.

 The Conclusion of the Matter:

            Sex is a great thing.  So great, in fact, that it can truly mess you up if you don’t revere it for what it is and what it inevitably will do to you.  It needs to be handled with great care and precaution and not be taken lightly.  There are certain limits and boundaries; marriage for example, which God has placed on sex not to cramp us, but to protect us.  Furthermore, there are always certain ways in which God seeks to partner with us in keeping not only our marriages pure, but our single lives pure as well. 

            My hope is that, if you are reading this article, you have found some sort of comfort from it and something in it to spurn you on.  Begin with prayer, my friend, then move to the mind…for that is where the war is truly waged.